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We Almost Made It

After all of the vet visits, check-ups, blood draws, tests, and medications, I finally accepted the fact that Beau was going to be on medication for the rest of his life. I accepted the fact that he may still have a seizure or two or twenty, but I knew that everything would be okay because my little guy is strong and he’s so smart.

There was one vet that told me something that stuck with me (and not in a good way). If Beau doesn’t have epilepsy and there’s something wrong with him neurologically, his health will start to deteriorate within a year of his first seizure (9/22/15).

We were THREE days away.

Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve noticed that Beau has been having some trouble with his back legs when jumping and going up stairs. We then noticed that he’d fold his front paw and try to stand on it (knuckling). I made every excuse in the book before I decided to take him to the neurologist. I hoped and prayed she’d tell me it was his meds.

Shit. I prayed for a Lyme Disease test to come back positive.

I hoped for anything and everything as long as she didn’t tell me what I have secretly dreaded for months. And while I wish it was delivered in a nicer manner, I have to cope with the news.

Most of the vets and specialists we’ve seen have warned me that Beau may have a neurological disorder that isn’t epilepsy. While he hasn’t had any seizures since February 22, 2016, that’s only a small victory. The other behavior that he’s showcasing suggests that he could have a brain tumor. Or meningitis. Or something else that would require serious, invasive, and let’s-not-forget-about-expensive treatment.

As I’m sure I’ve said before, I’m not willing to put my 4.5 year-old, 8-pound dog through chemotherapy. He won’t be having brain surgery and I’m not really interested in putting him on a drug cocktail consisting of antibiotics and steroids.

“I can’t tell you what’s wrong with your dog unless you get an MRI.”

I paid $180 to hear this sentence.

If you are sitting at home with your happy, healthy pet, you have no idea how envious I am of you. Never in a million years did I think that this would happen to my dog. That my dog would be sick and that I’d have to watch him struggle every single day. He’s only four. He doesn’t understand why his legs don’t work.

But here we are.

Every day that I go out for coffee, literally leaving Beau home alone for 15/20 minutes, I come back wondering if he will still be alive. Praying I hear him bark as I put the key in the door. Every time I sit with him in my lap, I wonder if his health will deteriorate tomorrow. I wonder how long I have left with him. I wonder all of the things that people with elderly dogs wonder and then some thoughts that are even worse.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. I don’t know if Beau will even make it to his fifth birthday. Or his sixth. But I do know that as long as he’s eating, drinking, playing, and giving me a million kisses every day, we’ll keep going. Because he deserves the best life even if it’s cut short. And we’re on this adventure together.

Me and my Beau.